On Marketing

Doing business without advertising is like 'winking' at a girl in the dark.
You know what you are doing, but no one else does.
Walter Seward

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen

In marketing there are those who satisfy needs and those who create wants.
Juan Carlos Castillo

On Friendship

I always like to know everything about my new friends,
and nothing about my old ones.
Oscar Wilde

True friend stabs you from the front.
Oscar Wilde

In the cookie of life, friends are chocolate chips.
Salman Rushdie

To My Girlfriend

That man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.
Henry David Thoreau

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

On War

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Bertrand Russell

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce

You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Will Rogers

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

True or False

I hardly know an intellectual man, even, who is so broad and truly liberal that you can think aloud in his society.
Henry David Thoreau

Some of this is fiction.
Most of this is true.
But which is which and what is what,
I'm not telling you.
Jumper from jumperbailey.com

Staying Young

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

How about finding things that make you laugh?

Fun Things to Do

In the shopping center:

Follow people through the aisles, always staying few feet away until they leave the store.

When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at five minute intervals throughout the day.

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the busy department store.

Relax in the furniture section until you get kicked out.

On Immortality

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for
Ambrose Bierce

T-shirt humor

I’m running out of places to hide the bodies! Don’t piss me off...

To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

You'll always be my best friend, you know too much!

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Encyclopedia For Sale

The add in the newspaper: Encyclopedia Britannica for sale. No longer needed. Got married last month. My wife knows everything.

On Fire

When you are on fire, people WILL get out of your way.
Richard Pryor

About Information

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
Gertrude Stein

Consciousness

Consciousness is that annoying time between the naps.

About Copyright

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Mark Twain

About Time

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Marilyn Monroe

It's never too late for time management.
Susan H. Cramm

Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once.
James Brown

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
Bertrand Russell

On Drinking

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C. Fields

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

On Kids

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Never have children, only grandchildren.
Gore Vidal

Being Busy

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
Woodrow Wilson

On Warfare

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.
Sun Tzu from The Art of War

About Love

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce