Internet Quotes

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
Homer Simpson
Will the highways on the Internet become more few?
George Bush
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Jon Stewart
Because just like in life, in death we can't resist having the latest and best of everything. I mean, a casket with Internet hook-up? Give me a break.
Dennis Miller
During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. Al Gore

About Driving

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Baseball is like driving, it's the one who gets home safely that counts.

Telling the future by looking at the past assumes that conditions remain constant. This is like driving a car by looking in the rearview mirror.

On People

People are like sticks of dynamite… the power’s on the inside. But nothing happens until the fuse gets lit.
Mac Anderson

Those people who tell me that I'm going to hell while while they're going to heaven somehow make me glad that we're going in separate directions.
Martin Terman

The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.
Oscar Wilde

There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am!" and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are."
Frederick L. Collins

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Robert Frost

On Law and Lawyers

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Robert Frost

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
HL Mencken

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Mark Twain

Habits and Preferences

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. Whitney Brown

I did not become a vegetarian for my health, I did it for the health of the chickens. Isaac Bashevis

On Marketing

Doing business without advertising is like 'winking' at a girl in the dark.
You know what you are doing, but no one else does.
Walter Seward

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
Fred Allen

In marketing there are those who satisfy needs and those who create wants.
Juan Carlos Castillo

On Friendship

I always like to know everything about my new friends,
and nothing about my old ones.
Oscar Wilde

True friend stabs you from the front.
Oscar Wilde

In the cookie of life, friends are chocolate chips.
Salman Rushdie

To My Girlfriend

That man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.
Henry David Thoreau

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

On War

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Bertrand Russell

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Bierce

You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Will Rogers

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

True or False

I hardly know an intellectual man, even, who is so broad and truly liberal that you can think aloud in his society.
Henry David Thoreau

Some of this is fiction.
Most of this is true.
But which is which and what is what,
I'm not telling you.
Jumper from jumperbailey.com

Staying Young

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

How about finding things that make you laugh?

Fun Things to Do

In the shopping center:

Follow people through the aisles, always staying few feet away until they leave the store.

When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at five minute intervals throughout the day.

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the busy department store.

Relax in the furniture section until you get kicked out.

On Immortality

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for,
Dispute, contend and lie for,
And if allowed
Would be right proud
Eternally to die for
Ambrose Bierce

T-shirt humor

I’m running out of places to hide the bodies! Don’t piss me off...

To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

You'll always be my best friend, you know too much!

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Encyclopedia For Sale

The add in the newspaper: Encyclopedia Britannica for sale. No longer needed. Got married last month. My wife knows everything.